Fighting Retribution

I can’t believe its been 3 years. Its been a continuous battle, harboring the pain on a daily basis. In fact I’m lucky if a day goes by where I don’t remember something from the relationships I had. 3 years.

The worst part is that there isn’t really anyone to blame. Everyone did what they though was right. Everyone got hurt. I would argue that I got hurt the most but I imagine that’s what everyone would say.

Three years ago I lost some of my “brothers” because I divulged that I was feeling depressed and getting to the realm of being suicidal. One of the families took me in for a week. It ended up being one of the best weeks of my life because it was exactly what I needed at the time. It showed that someone cared. It gave me hope.

Then they turned their backs. They each had their own, mostly valid, reasons for doing so. They took away everything I cared for at the time, replacing it with weekly visits to some stranger.

And I hate them for it.

But more importantly, I miss the old relationships. I miss what we had before I screwed everything up. Yet, by taking the blame, in my mind means that I shouldn’t have done what I needed to do. That I should have killed myself instead of doing what I did, a realization I simply cannot allow as an acceptable response.

So now I am torn; torn between accepting vengeance or trying to make amends. Between hating them for turning their backs or hating me for forcing their hand. Here I stand, trying to figure out what I want to do, what I should do, but above all who I want to become at the end of all this. And for that reason I am the only one that can make the decision.

Easily one of the hardest things I have done and most emotionally taxing going through it. The easy road of retribution is so appealing. But I know it is not who I want to become. And so I keep fighting.

Mistakes Pt2: Response to Mistakes

In my last post I covered that as a society we like to judge based on single mistakes. That messing up is a breaking feature in our relationships and in our views of famous and powerful people.

It wasn’t until the last paragraph or so in the post that I started talking about a better way of handling mistakes. Even then, my thoughts were relatively sparse for the topic and since then I have felt the need to elaborate on my ideas of the potential impact a positive view on mistakes can have.

Grace and forgiveness.

Two words that you think you have, but in the face of adversity are hard to come by. Both for the victim and the offender, any sort of willingness to let go of the pain caused by the mistake is replaced by an immediate need to defend against the unpleasant nature of the situation. We try to create a territory around who we are, one we think we need to defend when it is intruded. Regardless of if you made the mistake or it was the other party, both sides are usually equally hurt and defensive about it and it hurts the potential for growth as individuals and the group.

But if you are capable to see beyond the present pain, beyond the mistakes, beyond the consequences. If you are capable to gauge another person’s actions over time, to see through the immediate face of isolated actions, to read the true nature of an individual rather than the effect of their actions, that is where amazing things begin to happen.

It should not be our mistakes that define us, but rather our response to mistakes, as that shows our true nature.

Which ever side you find yourself on, it is your response to mistakes that shows your true character. A lot more so than the mistake itself.

We all know it.

That’s why the saying “we all make mistakes” gets thrown around so often. Yet when you are in the deep end, we so quickly forget how much a little grace and forgiveness could go. So I urge you, the next time you are involved in a mistake, breathe and forgive.

Is it really worth pursuing the anguish you feel because of the mistake, desperately attempting to get revenge by inflicting the pain you feel? Where does that get you? You get no gain from other people’s suffering. As hard as it is, forgiving the other person is in a way better for you than it is for the person you are forgiving.

This is something I am having a hard time right now with. Through some interesting circumstances, a conflict was created between myself and my friend (see Pt1). Although neither party really made a “mistake”, I had taken all of the blame for the conflict. Because of this, I am both wishing that the other party would be willing to see past my “mistake”, and give me a second chance as I care about my friend a lot.

However, I still largely struggle with forgiving them as well. What they did was understandable, but still hurts a lot. Especially because their reaction to my actions probably had a much more wide spread consequence than they realized.

But I refuse to give into the anger and pain. It is not the man I want to be. And so I have started to implement a better way to say I am sorry, for when I am the offender. As for when someone hurts me with their mistake, I do my best to let go and give them a second chance; something I wish everyone would learn to do.

Toby out.