Handing Out Sticks

I have to say that this post isn’t mine and is in fact a repost (although I can’t do it properly with it being a different site) . Here is the original post. Definitely check it out cause it has cute owl pictures and other good content, plus they deserve the credit and traffic. But if you are too lazy to go there here is the text from that post.

“I don’t like the phrase “A cry for help.” I just don’t like how it sounds. When somebody says to me, “I’m thinking about suicide, I have a plan; I just need a reason not to do it,” the last thing I see is helplessness.

I think: Your depression has been beating you up for years. It’s called you ugly, and stupid, and pathetic, and a failure, for so long that you’ve forgotten that it’s wrong. You don’t see good in yourself, and you don’t have any hope.

But still, here you are; you’ve come over to me, banged on my door, and said, “HEY! Staying alive is REALLY HARD right now! Just give me something to fight with! I don’t care if it’s a stick! Give me a stick and I can stay alive!”

How is that helpless? I think that’s incredible. You’re like a marine: Trapped for years behind enemy lines, your gun has been taken away, you’re out of ammo, you’re malnourished, and you’ve probably caught some kind of jungle virus that’s making you hallucinate giant spiders.

And you’re still just going “Give me a stick! I’m not dying out here!”

“A cry for help” Makes it sound like I’m supposed to take pity on you. But you don’t need my pity. This isn’t pathetic. This is the will to survive. This is how humans lived long enough to become the dominant species.

With NO hope, running on NOTHING, you’re ready to cut through a hundred miles of hostile jungle with nothing but a stick, if that’s what it takes to get to safety.

All I’m doing is handing out sticks.

You’re the one staying alive.”

– Boggle The Owl

Buying Maximum Fun (Hour)

Buying entertainment is a funny thing. You have so many different options at so many different prices with a wide variety of time lengths and amounts of fun. It is hard sometimes to quantify and justify doing certain things particularly if they seem expensive. And so as a somewhat simple solution to help with figuring out if certain things are worth the time and money, I’ve come up with a new unit for this problem. The Funhour.

The Funhour is simply that, an hour of fun or entertainment. Something like a typical movie is 2 Funhours. Skiing is usually anywhere from 4-8 Funhours and paintballing could be 3 Funhours. It is simply a measurement of how long you will be entertained for doing that activity. Why this is important is it helps with the calculation of what you are paying for and for how long.

Now I have used this before, but this recently came up when I was talking to a friend about buying a season pass to go snowboarding over the winter. For a student pass, it is $600 so not really a small purchase for some entertainment. Now most people will ask how many visits does it take for that to be paid off. Which is all fine and such, but that doesn’t really say how much it is worth in hours of fun.

So before I get into calculating the Funhour price for snowboarding, I am going to show an example of how to do it (even though its pretty simple and you guys can probably already guess where this is going).

I typically like to use the cost of movies to make a baseline for comparison. This is because it is a pretty standard form of entertainment that most people understand and can relate to. Ironically I rarely go to the movies cause I find it a waste, but that’s my own gig and people can do as they want. So for the estimation I use the rounded numbers of $10 for a ticket and $20 for snacks (stupid expensive). So it is $30 for an average movie. Now an average movie is about 2 hours long… so 2 Funhours.

Now for the calculation.

$30 for a movie trip

2 Funhours

$30/2Funhours

= $15/Funhour

So there you go, nice and simple. A movie is about $15/Funhour.

So how does a season pass for snowboarding compare.

Well assuming I could get a season pass as a student for $600 and the average amount of time I would spend at the hill is about 6 hours (9-4 with hour lunch). However it gets slightly more complicated cause I would go more than just once in order to recover the original price of the pass. So the math for me on this goes something like this.

$600 for Season Pass

6 days to recover cost

6 hours per day of skiing

$600/(6 days * 6 hours)

= ~$16/Funhour

So really not that far off. Of course the numbers could fluctuate a little bit depending on other things. And the other nice thing about the season pass is that the more I go, the cheaper the Funhours are. So 7 visits is $14, 8 is 12.5, etc. Which I love to go snowboarding, so I would make every attempt to go as much as possible, especially if I am only just working.

Anyway, that is how I do a quick calculation for comparing different types of entertainment. Feel free to use this however and whenever you want. Only request is keep it simple; its not an exact science its just meant for daily conversation of if your expenses are warranted.

Consuming vs. Experiencing

Seeing how I am sitting in a coffee shop killing time while I am waiting for the call to pick up my car, I figured I might as well write on a topic I have been thinking about this last week.

At the change of seasons I started a new job. Before I was just working at your average retail store, giving the classic customer service and all that crap that goes along with retail jobs. Now I am working at an outdoor leisure job that is essentially exclusively a customer service job but without really selling any products. And regardless of the most obvious differences, I started to notice an underlying trend about the people I was serving.

It is no secret that money doesn’t buy happiness. Yet consumerism is such an ingrained philosophy of our society that most of us are unconsciously trapped in the cycle of trying to buy our way through our numbness. The spending only medicated the problem, temporarily hiding the discontent under the surface only to appear later and it shows.

See I love my new job. In fact I had done it two summers ago too and that’s how I knew I would want to do it. And beside the obvious reasons of it being outside and a pretty chill job, it is actually really satisfying dealing with the customers on a daily basis. Not something you can say about most retail jobs. And why is that?

I believe it is because of the differing nature of the two jobs. Experience vs consuming.

At my current job, one of my favourite positions is a the end of the experience. Partly because it is the least stressful position but largely because I get the happy customers who had just experienced something thrilling, often with their family’s.

And that is the big difference between my job and a retail job.

I’m not trying to sell you an item that will eventually degrade and constantly remind you that you’ll always need something you. I am in the business of selling a memory something that doesn’t degrade. And if it does, it won’t matter anyway cause you can’t remember.

One of our flaws in society is the pressure to uphold the latest trends, constantly driving the need to be a consumer. Yet it is superficial, unfulfilling, and is eating away at our lives without us really recognizing. But imagine if we flipped that to a pressure of experiencing life. How many people would be trying new things with new people, creating a long lasting satisfaction that doesn’t undermine our happiness and enjoyment of life.

Because you don’t need to have anything to have the best experiences.

All of the Things

Well might as well write an update post too. Things are going pretty well. A lot of things going on. Adult things, school things, family things, work things, volleyball things. It’s pretty crazy right now, but in a good and exciting way.

When I hear somebody sigh, ‘Life is hard’, I am always tempted to ask, ‘Compared to what?’ – Sydney J. Harris

That’s a quote I read not too long ago and it really struck me as a very interesting way of looking at life. We tend to like to compare our lives to the people before us and our peers around us. It is easy to only see the good things going on and think our lives our hard. But the truth about that, is that we all have our own journeys to take. And so each person has their own unique challenges, each no harder or easier than anyone else. It is just a matter of fact about your circumstances and something you will have to get through regardless of how seemingly hard or easy it is.

That in mind, I have been doing a lot of adulting recently; which is hard for me haha.

I actually write this post having just been confirmed to receive my first personal credit card. Which is a good necessary step for me, but just crazy to think of. I’m definitely excited for the responsibility of it and look forward to adding some flexibility and strategy to my financial situation (its a bit nerdy, but I don’t really care).

The other big thing going on is what I am planning for next year. Currently I am in the midst of talking to two university coaches to get into the schools and play volleyball for scholarships. It is always a stressful time when you have to make big decisions for the future, regardless of how excited you might be for it. I just can’t wait for the application process to be done and for me just to have to wait to get ready to go to which ever school I get into.

Beside school, I will be changing jobs shortly. I have been at my current job for a year now and have met some awesome people but it is time for me to move to a different job for the summer. This is actually a job I did two summers ago, absolutely loved it (it was a big help for me getting through my depression, especially after losing a few people close to me) and they wanted me back last year and this year.

Also this summer I am planning on trying to get into the professional beach scene in Canada, possibility joining the national team if things go well. Overall I am just looking forward to learning a lot about Beach and having an awesome time playing a fun sport in the sun. I will probably write some updates about this later in the summer, especially if things go well.

All of this just being so surreal in a way, like I don’t believe that I am actually the person that I am. But the more I go through life the more I realize you don’t become an “Adult” but rather you actively claim it through how you conduct your life. So it is a pretty crazy time of change for me. I am really excited to continue crafting what my life is like into the future I want it to be. There are so many future chapters I am excited to write but also nervous to see how they actually turn out. Its fun actively trying to become the person I want to be.

 

Anyway, who knows when I will post next, but enjoy the double post today.

 

Toby Out.

Our Obsession With OCD

So this is going to be a different post, but I figured I would post something for the first time in months… Anyway, this is a paper I had to do for one of my classes in college. I actually ended up not going to a single class and still passing so that was something. Originally this was a 95% paper, but he took 10% off for not doing it with a paper (like I was supposed to).

Instead of making it a very analytical paper like it was almost supposed to be, I tried to make it more of an analytical story. Recently I have been focusing on the idea of communication simply being story telling. It isn’t about the details as it is about the emotion and the point your are trying to make. To watch a good video on the basis of where this perspective came from I would recommend checking out this video by Veritasium. Here is the paper. Enjoy!

Our Obsession With OCD

It is somewhat commonplace to hear around work and in the home the phrase “being OCD” to describe someone who is being rather particular with the organization and structure of objects. This phrase, often used jokingly, demonstrates the incongruity between the clinical definition of Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD) and someone who simply likes to organize things for future efficiency and usability. While excessive impulses for organization can be a symptom of OCD, more often than not, in the workplace it is a matter of someone realizing the importance of organization and taking the time to improve the working conditions of the environment around them; although this sometimes is to a variably excessive degree of focus and energy.

The spread of the misunderstanding of what OCD is, can largely be contributed to the misrepresentation of the disorder by inaccurate portrayal in popular media. The often humorous demonstrations of obsessive-compulsive actions encourage viewers to make poor judgements on the nature of the disorder, frequently removing the obsession and underlying anxiety from the visible compulsion. This misuse has helped the growth of using OCD as a widely accepted term for being meticulous about the order or correctness of things.

Beyond the improper use in media, OCD and its hyper-efficiency has invoked an array of uneasy feelings towards the obsessive. Some individuals, when confronted with an individual with OCD, may feel a certain amount of hostility towards that individual. Part of making light of OCD in the workplace stems from this hostility, as humor has been noted by theorists to sometimes be intrinsically aggressive. It is also possible that this association between organization and cleanliness triggers a representational view of OCD. That is OCD symptoms and seemingly excessive organization seem to represent each other which is enough for some people to reason by representativeness.

Ultimately, there has been a widespread misuse of the term OCD as it has gained more recognition in the media as well as in general conversations in society. This has tainted the seriousness of true Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder and has muddied the popular definition of the term.

OCD and OCPD

Part of the confusion contributing to the improper labelling of compulsive actions is from the demonstration of two similar disorders. Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder and Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder (OCPD) are much the same in their principles and some of their symptoms, however these two disorders come from drastically different motivations with differing outcomes for the obsessive individual.

Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder is an anxiety disorder. Obsessions and their ensuing compulsion stem from an underlying anxiety about any harm that may come to the individual or the people around them. The disorder seemingly forces the individual to do certain actions to alleviate this anxiety. Yet OCD is ego-dystonic, meaning that the individual knows that what they are doing to minimize the anxiety is drastic but cannot help but continue to do the compulsory action, going against the natural desires of the individual. This further causes more anxiety in the individual because they realize the trivialness of their actions and leads to further indulgence in the compulsive action.

This uncontrollable fixation on the obsession and thereby compulsion is self-alienating and fundamentally disorienting. OCD sufferers attempt to avoid the perceived tragic consequences of the obsession, only to be ignorant of the things that contribute to a contented life. Although they alleviate the anxiety from the obsession, they miss out on the long term enjoyment people get from life because they are robotically forced into focusing on the supposed well being of themselves and the people around them through their obsessive-compulsions.

OCPD on the other hand has a different stake in the lives of the people suffering from the disorder. Obsessive compulsive personality disorder is not an anxiety disorder and rather is ego-syntonic. The obsessions and compulsions often come from the desires of the individual creating a more beneficial and stable environment. OCPD will guide an individual through certain actions towards gratification thereby reinforcing the obsessions. This is in stark contrast to OCD which is very much anxiety and fear based.

Unknowingly, OCPD is a lot closer to what people are labelling when using the term OCD to describe an individual who periodically reorganizes things. OCD is more noticeably ritualistic compared to the aspiration focus of an individual with OCPD. However it is a distinction few will make the effort to make especially with the already prevalent usage of OCD in popular media.

Humor, OCD, and the Media

There are a fair amount of theories as to why Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder has typically been portrayed in a humorous light. Some believe it is because of the ironic nature in which obsessives take on average activities with utter seriousness and earnest. Others speculate it is our response to the demonstration of an inability to control oneself. Overall it is undecided as to what is the true cause of the humor based inclusion of OCD into media.

As with multiple other mental illnesses, OCD is devalued by poor portrayals in the media. In the case of OCD, researchers theorize that some of the joking comes from a misunderstanding of the nature of the disorder. Most people don’t understand that the sufferer views their compulsions as a solution to potentially dangerous problems. What most people will see is an activity that is far removed from the original anxiety yet is still scrupulously performed by the obsessive. However, for an observer it is much the punchline of a joke; although, the disparity between the anxiety of the obsession and the action of the compulsion is not intended by the obsessive to be humorous.

Comedy also has only shown the symptoms of the disorder. It would be rather disheartening to see the personal effect that the anxiety has on the individual if it were portrayed properly in media. There is also a tendency in media and in commonplace interactions to blur the fine line between solely obsessive character traits and obsessive character traits that go against the nature of the sufferer. This has contributed to the generalization of the plight of obsessives by removing the negative aspects of the thoughts behind the actions of the individual. It dehumanizes what it means to have the compulsions, removing the need to care about the ego-dystonic characteristic of the behavior

Another theoretical basis for the humor response is the idea of “mechanical inelasticity”. As humans we expect the fluidity and adaptability that comes from the intelligence of a sentient being. However as human behavior distances itself from this autonomy and adaptability, it becomes more comical in its increasing mechanical character. However in the case of OCD it sometimes evokes mixed emotions as the sufferer is aware of their plight yet is incapable of preventing their actions. As an analogy, some people watch fail videos of people accidentally doing mindless actions that end poorly for entertainment. However most people will experience a different set of emotions if they knew that the individual in the fail was aware of what was about to happen, didn’t want it to happen and could potentially change their fate, but still allowed the fail to happen. This is why the response to OCD is more complex than just a measly laugh about the unique behavior of someone with the disorder.

Anger and OCD

Some of the comedic response to the compulsive behaviors of an OCD individual may actually come from a threatened and uneasy perspective on the observer’s part. As was mentioned earlier, many theorists argue that humor and laughter are acts of aggression. It can be used as a way to indicate superiority towards the people being laughed at. Because of the mechanical inelasticity aspect of OCD, it will frequently provoke an uneasy response from an observer which might in turn induce an anger-based action towards the sufferer.

Individuals have also reported a fear of the OCD spreading, thus causing a frustrated reaction. Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder many times will have accompanying doubtful thoughts. These thoughts, although normal, provoke a sense of worry in observers as they begin to question their own mental health and if they are developing the disorder themselves. As a defensive reflex against these challenging thoughts, the observer will often attempt to discourage the compulsive act whether consciously or not, through an aggressive response. This response is repeatedly manifested through humor as it is considered more socially acceptable and less intrusive compared to a direct and offensive approach.

Another theory behind the aggression demonstrated towards obsessives is the idea that individuals are grasping on to their ability to control their own actions. People will commonly look down upon those that don’t have full control over themselves and as our society slips further into a state that demands that control. “The unknowables of modern life, perhaps now more than ever, generate a profound yearning for some small token of control” (Fleissner, 2007, 110).

It is also possible that if applied properly, an individual with OCD can harness their obsessions to become extremely focused and productive. This can evoke a feeling of inadequacy in observers because of the hyper-efficiency displayed by the obsessive. Threatened by the feeling of subordination by the efficiency, observers may attempt to discourage the act in order to maintain the status quo of using limited effort to complete tasks. This discouragement becomes apart of the myth surrounding OCD as the efficiency displayed can be a coping mechanism for the obsessive rather than an act of encroachment some individuals might view it as.

The Depth of OCD

There is far more to OCD than people give it credit for. This contributes to the misuse of the term as people ignorantly label any action remotely resembling a compulsion as obsessive compulsive disorder. Realistically, organization is one of the many rituals that OCD people will use. Most of the rituals are done in private outside of the scrutiny of uneducated observers. Because observers typically witness a compulsion without seeing the obsession there are several other myths that have spread about the disorder.

Some individuals believe that obsessives experience a loss of free will. To the contrary they are aware of the available choices, but lose the ability to choose the most rational course of action. Because of this obsessive recognize the irrationality of their rituals but can’t choose a different course of action as they feel compelled to relieve the anxiety that accompanies their obsession.

OCD in media is sometimes represented as being anti-social. Obsessives are most often not anti-social and are actually quite cognizant of how their disorder affects the people around them. In fact one might argue that it is because of the people around them and the responsibility they feel to protect them that causes them to act compulsively towards their looming anxiety. Their actions are guided by their desire to avoid harming themselves and other, even though they rationally choose a trivial and unrelated solution. From this obsessives also feel extra responsibility for any wrongs that transpire around them even if they had no impact on the situation, something that is quite contrary to being anti-social.

With the influx of media sources using obsessive-compulsive disorder as a comedic outlet, it has reinforced several myths about the disorder itself and what it entails for the sufferers of the disorder. The response to the disorder is becoming ever increasingly trivial and often made light of despite of the negative impact is has on the lives of those with it. Although the obsessive-compulsive the some individuals display is similar to the symptoms of OCD, people quickly jump to the assumption that any sort of seemingly compulsive behavior is a factor of the disorder.

For the sake of the dignity of those with the disorder, it is important to educate people about the effects that OCD has, namely the crippling the anxiety that causes the compulsions in the first place. It is not a trivial matter to be taken lightly, but something that needs to be understood and addressed so people aren’t making fun of it at the expense of those affected by it.

Further research can be done to study the interaction between observers and obsessives before and after education on OCD to learn if education is effective. This would also take into account the idea of labelling theory; that some obsessives might be less flexible in trying to overcome their compulsions when it is how uneducated observers expect them to act. However if one was to be educated, it might invoke the ability for the observer to respect and allow the obsessive to work through their compulsion without judgement. Something anyone would wish to have when dealing with a disorder.

References:
Carpenter, S., & Huffman, K. (2012, December 13). Visualizing psychology. Wiley Global
Education.
Cefalu, P. (2009). What’s so funny about obsessive-compulsive disorder?. PMLA, 44-58.
Evans, D. W., Leckman, J. F., Carter, A., Reznick, J. S., Henshaw, D., King, R. A., et al. (1997).
Ritual, habit, and perfectionism: The prevalence and development of compulsive-like
behavior in normal young children. Child development, 58-68.
Fleissner, J. L. (2007). Obsessional Modernity: The “Institutionalization of Doubt”. Critical
Inquiry, 34(1), 106-134.
Kroska, A., & Harkness, S. K. (2006). Stigma sentiments and self-meanings: Exploring the
modified labeling theory of mental illness. Social Psychology Quarterly, 69(4), 325-348.
Neal-Barnett, A., & Mendelson, L. L. (2003). Obsessive compulsive disorder in the workplace:
An invisible disability. Women & Therapy, 26(1-2), 169-178.

 

The Obligation of Talent

If you are talented at something, are you obligated to do it?

We live in a society where personal gain is the epitome of success. Where everyone is doing something to stand out and become that person that everyone looks up to because of what they have done. It drives a sense of competition and jealousy into the underlying threads of our daily lives and actions.

We often get caught up in the grind to get somewhere; we are focused on how we compare to others. This comes with a constant envy for those that have it easier or can do it better than ourselves.

In my experience, I have often been on the receiving side of that jealousy and envy. I am multi-talented, being an elite athlete as well as highly intelligent and self motivated. However my passions and focus change both quickly and over the long haul.

When my father passed away when I was 15, it gave me a new perspective on what I considered important in life. I lost the value of personified success and cared more deeply about the experience of life and personal growth for the sake of being a better servant to the needs around me.

With that change in perspective came the realization of the envy of those around me. My skill in volleyball became a gossip topic for others as it wasn’t my passion to pursue at a professional level. Even as I drive now to receive the rookie of the year for the college league I play in, I didn’t play for this award or the accolades. I wanted to play for the enjoyment and the comradery that the sport brings.

And for other people that isn’t enough. It is a waste of talent not to pursue my potential. That simply because I can, means I should. And I wonder how much of that comes from the insecurity other people face because of the competitive society we live in.

So tell me, does having talent mean you are obligated to use it?

Blogging on the go

Well, this blog hasn’t really gone as planned haha. I have a lot of ideas for stuff I wanna write on but either haven’t had the time, or when I’ve had the time I’ve just wanted to do something else.
So as I sit here at 1:18 in the morning, I’ve decided that I will try to write some more blogs on my phone while I’m doing other stuff. Right now I have the idea in my mind that I have to write a completely coherent post solely on my computer; doing such severely limits the times when I can write then, rather than being able to churn out sporadic posts much like this one.
So hopefully (we know how well that went last time), I’ll give myself a bit more freedom to write posts more frequently. Anyway, maybe expect some more posts in the future, we’ll see haha

Toby out.

An Introduction of Sorts: My Story

How do you summarize one’s life, their collection of experiences, thoughts and actions, into mere words in an attempt to get others to feel and understand what that individual went through? Well, you can’t but I am going to try anyway, cause that is how I am. But for me the bigger question is, how do you introduce someone that is both dead and imaginary, but also more alive prevalent than ever?

Welcome to my world. The parallel universe of Toby Breckenridge.

Before I get into more details I want to sort of set the stage for Toby and who he is. So let me say one thing:

Yoloblomlmtaasosbtdpwkeoboiodawcheoboitod

You only live once, but living once means living many times as a series of similar but technically different people who know each other but only in one direction and who can help each other, but only in the other direction

That quote is from this video, and is a good representation of what I am going through. Toby Breckenridge was my realization of a new me; someone who was different from who I had been the rest of my life, yet physically still the same person.

This summer had been a rough one for me. I was depressed, had mostly lost everything and everyone I loved, and was on the brink of self destruction. I had planned to kill myself the same day my father had died from cancer 5 years before.

But then I didn’t. I don’t know why I didn’t go through with it; I didn’t feel any better nor did I have a conscious battle over if I should kill myself or not. The best way to describe it was I went into a sort of emotional comatose state for the summer. I remember very little of what life was like for the next few months. It was like I had died anyway. And I stayed that way over the course of the next few months.

It wasn’t until November, when I was tired of the situation I was going through, that things started to get better. It didn’t get much better, but I started to feel more angry; which after not having felt anything for 5 months, was sort of refreshing in a way. But I knew I needed to get out, that the people and situations in my life were keeping me from being who I wanted to be.

And that’s when Toby was born.

I wanted to start over, to get out of my past life. The mistakes I made, the people (or lack of) in my life, all of it had turned into something I wasn’t willing to live with. So I started planning. This time it wasn’t to kill myself, it was to kill my old self.

At the time my plan had been to either fake my death and start completely new, which at best was dangerous and difficult to execute. My other option was to lie where I was going and hide in plain sight. Either way, I was planning on staying close to home, so I could keep the few relationships I loved, but still start fresh. I had found an awesome place to rent, a job that would make a steady amount of money, and had packed up my least obvious stuff to prepare for a swift exit. I was so determined to go through with this plan. It had given me something to work towards, something to live for.

But shortly after meeting with the person I was going to rent with, my vehicle died. Not only did that mean I didn’t have a vehicle to use for my plan, but I also had to pay for a new one, something I couldn’t do at the time with the immediate cost of paying rent and the damage deposit.

So I called it off. I didn’t move. I didn’t change my name. I didn’t cut ties with the people that were dragging me down. I was stuck.

But the determination stuck with me. All of the planning, working towards goals, it all had changed my perspective. I couldn’t say in what way, it just felt different. I had the same thoughts as before, but they didn’t mean anything anymore. I felt like a new person. I felt like I had become Toby.

And that is where the parallel universe comes in. Although I hadn’t moved away and became the person I wanted to be, in my mind I still had. I am living in a parallel universe where in my mind I had moved away, but am still in the physical world that I had never left.

It is quite something isn’t it. Well, if you want to hear more about my continuing adventures, I hope you stick around.

Toby out.

Mistakes Pt2: Response to Mistakes

In my last post I covered that as a society we like to judge based on single mistakes. That messing up is a breaking feature in our relationships and in our views of famous and powerful people.

It wasn’t until the last paragraph or so in the post that I started talking about a better way of handling mistakes. Even then, my thoughts were relatively sparse for the topic and since then I have felt the need to elaborate on my ideas of the potential impact a positive view on mistakes can have.

Grace and forgiveness.

Two words that you think you have, but in the face of adversity are hard to come by. Both for the victim and the offender, any sort of willingness to let go of the pain caused by the mistake is replaced by an immediate need to defend against the unpleasant nature of the situation. We try to create a territory around who we are, one we think we need to defend when it is intruded. Regardless of if you made the mistake or it was the other party, both sides are usually equally hurt and defensive about it and it hurts the potential for growth as individuals and the group.

But if you are capable to see beyond the present pain, beyond the mistakes, beyond the consequences. If you are capable to gauge another person’s actions over time, to see through the immediate face of isolated actions, to read the true nature of an individual rather than the effect of their actions, that is where amazing things begin to happen.

It should not be our mistakes that define us, but rather our response to mistakes, as that shows our true nature.

Which ever side you find yourself on, it is your response to mistakes that shows your true character. A lot more so than the mistake itself.

We all know it.

That’s why the saying “we all make mistakes” gets thrown around so often. Yet when you are in the deep end, we so quickly forget how much a little grace and forgiveness could go. So I urge you, the next time you are involved in a mistake, breathe and forgive.

Is it really worth pursuing the anguish you feel because of the mistake, desperately attempting to get revenge by inflicting the pain you feel? Where does that get you? You get no gain from other people’s suffering. As hard as it is, forgiving the other person is in a way better for you than it is for the person you are forgiving.

This is something I am having a hard time right now with. Through some interesting circumstances, a conflict was created between myself and my friend (see Pt1). Although neither party really made a “mistake”, I had taken all of the blame for the conflict. Because of this, I am both wishing that the other party would be willing to see past my “mistake”, and give me a second chance as I care about my friend a lot.

However, I still largely struggle with forgiving them as well. What they did was understandable, but still hurts a lot. Especially because their reaction to my actions probably had a much more wide spread consequence than they realized.

But I refuse to give into the anger and pain. It is not the man I want to be. And so I have started to implement a better way to say I am sorry, for when I am the offender. As for when someone hurts me with their mistake, I do my best to let go and give them a second chance; something I wish everyone would learn to do.

Toby out.

Mistakes Pt1: Single Mistake Society

Oddly enough this isn’t my first post. I realize this post should probably be an introduction of sorts, but that can come later and I just wanted to get this idea down.

We are a single mistake society.

Scrutiny, jealousy, superiority. For whatever reason we often enjoy and relentlessly punish other people’s mistakes. That regardless of what that person stood for or who they were without the mistake, we criticize them with little room for redemption. Although this is more frequent of those in powerful/famous positions, it happens to everyone, a disappointing proclamation of the state of human-being interaction.

What brought this up for me, was the the airline executive actually being sentenced for 1 year jailtime for the scene she caused over how some nuts were served to her on a plane. In the incident she forced the plane to go back to its gate, which truly did endanger more than just the people involved in the altercation. However, the internet rapidly became more so fascinated in the fact that she was angered over some nuts.

One mistake. Her reputation gone.

We don’t know why she got so angry. We don’t know what had happened previous to it that would have caused such a reaction. We judge purely on the outcome, an artifact of our general inability, or even negligence to empathize. She was judged on a world-wide scale and punished severely by her country.

“But the judge said her tantrum, widely covered by international news media, damaged the “national image” of South Korea.”  – NY Times

One mistake. Thought to be enough to damage the image of an entire country.

How pathetic is that.

I’ve experienced my own losses from single mistakes. Eight months ago, I lost a very close friend. The worst part is he didn’t die, but in my own reality that is what happened. What happened because of a single mistake I made.

I made the mistake of trusting people with something that most people don’t understand even if they say they have been through the same thing. I trusted him with the knowledge that I had suicidal thoughts. I was never close to ever actually killing myself, but the mistake I made was expressing myself in a way that gave him a scare about it.

Everything I had done for him, for his family, our friends, none of it mattered. Who I was in his mind was defined by a single mistake I made. What I stood for and everything I fought for in the lives of the people around me disappeared in his and his family’s mind. And so in my reality he died; died because of my mistakes.

So the next time you are in the position of judging another person, particularly if they had hurt you because of a mistake, take a step back and try to view their reality. See what happened in their world that caused the mistake.

But most importantly be willing to extend grace and love, because usually when someone makes a mistake, they are hurt just as much as you are.

Toby out.